Friday, October 4, 2013

Searching still

At times I feel so lonely even when family is with me. The emptiness that comes and never seems to leave. I search for inner peace without knowing the meaning of it. Running around asking with hope that I could find some one to help me with it. But I get no answer. I got the urge to join the Balinese on nyepi (a day that they observe spirituality whereby it is called a day of silence too). Will I get to know that inner peace I am searching for? Friends told me that I do not have to run so far spending so much money in search for peace. But why do I feel that I need to. The pull to go there to experience spiritual peace.

Wondering if God is putting me again in the desert which He had done on several occasions. It is not a pleasant state. I know friends and family are around yet I felt as if I am pushed to a corner....the dryness. Nothing I can do about it at all but to be patient and wait for the time He picks me up and puts me back where He thinks I belong. Now it is just a lump in my heart that I need to dissolve.

At this stage, I feel like nothing is right. Feeling rather restless. Hence finding small assignment to do. Strange but am begging for them. And fearing that I may not find this inner peace in time for life is short. Death comes without warning as many realized. No one likes talking about it.

I feel so strong yet so fragile. Was told to get a spiritual director to direct me. But who will want such an extra task and I don't even know what I would want to share. Have I confused my life?

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